Are you the victim of a narcissist? 7 signs that indicate this

By Cristiano Antonino On Feb 3, 2023

Are you a victim of a narcissist? Narcissism is a term that can take on a wide range of meanings and be used in multiple contexts

In the literal meaning of the term narcissism means liking yourself and having a positive view of yourself.

When this is healthy, narcissism is a positive and desirable quality (healthy self-love).

It is that quality which, when lacking, causes emotional distress in those suffering from low self-esteem.

Narcissism: when does it become a psychological disorder?

However, in general when we talk about narcissism and narcissists we usually refer to situations in which narcissism is present to an excessive degree.

And it is identified as a problem of a person who is described as selfish and arrogant.

There is also the related disorder defined by the DSM (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), which, however, remains mostly undiagnosed as the narcissist generally denies having any problem.

When does narcissism hurt?

The relationship in which the extremely painful effects of a narcissist’s behaviour manifest themselves above all is in the couple (but this also happens in friendships, in the employer-employee relationship and others).

And in couple relationships ‘entrapment’ between a narcissistic man and a woman with low self-esteem is widespread

It is a co-dependent couple bond in which a person who has an idealised view of himself (the narcissist) and one who has a devalued view of himself (the victim) are ‘stuck’ together.

But this interlocking gives rise to a toxic relationship in which dysfunctional mechanisms, which developed in childhood as a form of adaptation to be able to ‘survive emotionally’ in the family context itself, are repeated.

How does the narcissist behave in the couple?

The relationship with a narcissist causes in the partner, who becomes a victim of such abuse (usually, but not exclusively a woman), an extremely high experience of emotional suffering.

And the longer the relationship lasts, the more the manipulation mechanisms put in place by the narcissist have their emotionally debilitating effects on the victim.

So what are these mechanisms? Why are they enacted?

Devaluation

The narcissist has developed a grandiose self at a very young age to protect himself from unbearable anxieties: this leads to devaluing others and the partner.

Blame

In order to keep his identity intact, the narcissist needs a victim (in a subordinate position and with low self-esteem) on whom he can pour out his pain and draw on the energy of which he is emptied because of his dramatic inner experience.

If the partner resists these modes of emotional abuse, the narcissist accuses her, criticises her and makes her feel guilty.

Manipulation

The victim of a narcissist feels manipulated with the intention of putting the other’s needs and desires first and often ignoring her own.

If this does not happen, the narcissist punishes them, threatens them and becomes aggressive, causing them to experience fear and remorse.

The victim will eventually feel obliged to comply with his demands in order to avoid negative and emotionally destabilising reactions.

The sense of inadequacy

Whatever you do will never be enough for the narcissist.

No matter how hard you try to meet his demands, you will never achieve the goal of having his approval.

This happens because the narcissist, due to his permanent pain, needs the victim to keep providing him with emotional energy over time.

Control

Often the victim of the narcissist is financially dependent on him (and he makes sure this happens).

This further limits the assertion of his rights in the relationship.

Gaslighting

In order to get the energy nourishment he needs to soothe his pain, the narcissist creates a reality that he makes appear as logical, objective and legitimate when in reality it is mystified and absurd.

Often, with behaviour defined as gaslighting, he thus invalidates the victim’s perception of reality, who will thus begin to doubt his own perceptions and points of view.

In order to do this, the narcissist describes situations and incidents that occurred in a way that is very different from the reality of the facts.

And when the victim points out that the facts unfolded differently, the narcissist claims that the victim’s perceptions are wrong.

This sends her even more into confusion.

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The narcissist often instinctively makes sure to isolate his partner from other people who can open her eyes to what is the truth of the facts and events.

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